Totally forgot about this site. Had tons of affiliate managers asking me to link to their gay affiliate networks (no pejorative intended). I’m not really into pushing that kind of stuff, and this was more of a one-time humor site that anything else.

Also refunded some dude $575 who wanted a site-wide link.. seriously.

I was going to mock seochampion.com, but got overwhelmed with material after reading his website. I am able to say, with one-hundred percent certainty, that his entire web business is one large misguided attempt at humor.. because nobody can be that fucking retarded. Seriously. Here’s a quote straight from his site:

“SeoChampion has always incorperated at least 100 good page rank directory new backlinks coming in to your site every month“

Nevermidn his typo; what’s a few hundred ‘good page rank directory new links’ worth to you? I say ‘zero dollars’ but SEO Chunkathon asserts that every ‘package’ of one-hundred backlinks takes “50 hours of work per 100 Links” and is worth $399.00. I hired a ninth-grader to do the math, and this is what he came up with:

SEOmoz announced an opening for someone who can teach them SEO, which also revealed that they know just enough SEO to maintain their ‘pro’ membership business. I was wondering why a dozen people couldn’t make more than $100k per month, and I guess that’s why.

This struck me as funny for two reasons:
1) SEOmoz can’t stop posing for pictures with SEO authorities.
2) Dumb people highly credit you through association by default.

Apparently there’s a lot of money in teaching large groups of people things that you can’t actually do yourself, which makes me happy because I finally have a reason to start teaching English and basic math to preschoolers.

I have created a WordPress plugin that gives random hackers in India administrative access to your blog.

It’s free, but I’d really like donations.

You can download it here.

Google PageRank is a proprietary mathematical formula created by the Wikimedia Foundation to ensure that every article on Wikipedia is ranked higher than the rest of the web, for every query, regardless of relevance to any user of the Google website.

While other search engines have deep financial obligations to e-commerce blogs and storefronts, Google’s patented PageRank technology asserts that a high school freshman’s Wikipedia article should rank higher than the official biography located on the White House government website for the term [George Bush]. We agree.

For the free advertising posing for the debut of our clothing line:

Also, for the fans of American Idol: we have secured a top-secret video straight from the ShoemoneyPlex. Prepare to be entertained!

Capturing the user’s attention at the right moment is the key to converting every offer, every time. While this is entirely, 100% impossible, there are certain tricks you can do in order to pretend to capture someone’s attention long enough that your affiliate manager is legally obligated to increase your payout.

Imagine your web surfer is viewing the online newspaper for her son’s obituary. The website is hard to navigate, so in her desperate attempt to find closure, comfort and the funeral home’s address, her eyes try to focus in anything that’s remotely recognizable. Bam! Your geo-targeted AdultFriendFinder affiliate ad captured her attention and she’s clicking through in a mistaken association that “Courtney” is in fact a customer service rep. Now this is the part where most affiliate marketers will turn away, for two reasons:

1. This user won’t convert.
2. A old woman is viewing porn.

But imagine if you had replaced the AFF AFF (AdultFriendFinder Affiliate) link with something that not only captured her attention, but forced her to voice her opinion! That my friends, is what I call “capturing the visitor’s attention and forcing them to voice their opinion.”

So how does one do that, you may ask? Simple. Polls that piss the user off! Or make them laugh. Or seizure, it really depends on the offer. The best subject matter for online polls is always a topical reference, such as politics, entertainment, or gerbils that hide in vaginas while simultaneously ruining the Catholic Church.

Let’s use politics!

As you can see, this advertisement has had significant click-through from the south, and would convert very well for offers such as BDSM, ringtone subscriptions and English as a second language material.

Stay tuned for part two of this super gay affiliate tutorial!

Super Gay Affiliate Coursebook

From the desk of [your name here] on [$todaysDate]

Dear not so gay affiliate:
Are you like the countless other affiliate marketers out there who can’t seem to convert one sale to save your life? Are you tired of seeing your hard earned free AdWords vouchers go up in smoke while producing absolutely no profit?

I pity you.

You see, for about three years now, I have been able to generate over one-hundred billion dollars in profits from a single ad, with no effort and virtually no setup. It only ran for a single day, and I only spent $10. That’s right, I can teach you how to generate a “1e-8” ROI. Thats a mathematical term because there is simply not enough space on my website to include all the zeros in the checks that I am getting.

But wait Super Gay Affiliate Master, just how much is this secret project you’ve built?
Great question, hypothetical reader. You better be sitting down for this.

You can get my exclusive money-generation program, plus benefits with additional benefits and costs, for a one-time recurring fee of only:

$299.95

$195.95

$399.95

That’s right, folks. For only three-hundred dollars and ninety five cents a month, you can gain access to my once in a fruitfly’s lifetime opportunity. Stuff like this only comes by once a week, folks, so order now.

But wait! No, don’t wait because there’s only [random(0, 200)] copies left! Hurry up and order today, as my team is standing by waiting to coach you once your echecks clear and our charge backs are sold off to a debt-collection agency. Jared, one of our agents contacted SARS, so that’s a mess but we think it’s entirely unconnected with our ONCE IN A LIFETIME DEAL!

Just enter your payment details below to gain access to this incredible business opportunity!